I had a twin sister Marie,
Who went off at a speed close to c.
She came back one day
In a relative way,
And ended up younger than me.
As the cosmos expands, growing flatter,
The cosmologists argue and chatter.
Or massive neutrinos -
They want to know what's the (dark) matter.
Stephen Hawking's "no boundary" condition
Puts God in an awkward position.
With nothing to do,
His purpose is through
So He might as well fix my transmission.
As if all of you folks didn't know it,
I'm a physicist, not a poet.
I work with space-time,
Not with rhythm and rhyme,
And these verses should certainly show it.
A tachyon, moving quite fast,
Was imaginarily-massed;
And thus it decayed
Before it was made,
As to traveled from future to past.
My brother likes lying in hammocks;
My sister likes doing ceramics;
But I get my kicks
From al the neat tricks
In quantum electrodynamics.
As physics gets harder and harder,
The physicists seem to get smarter.
They now know topology,
With its groups cohomology,
And those things are just for a starter.
"The Nature of Space-Time" was written
By those two brilliant guys from Great Britain.
They discuss profound things,
But there's little on strings,
Which must certainly vex Edward Witten.
A physicist, almost in tears,
Said, "A proton, it seems, disappears.
The GUT;s say
That it should decay
in 1031 years."
A physicist grumbled one day,
"These protons don't seem to decay.
We once had high hopes,
But we now feel like dopes,
For those darn things - they just seem to stay."
When we physicists talk about quarks,
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
We shouldn't be stunned
When the Congress won't fund
Our big projects - they think that we're dorks!
When physicists misuse their brains
To give particles whimsical names,
Most folks think we're liable
To be certifiable
And they don't want to fund our mad games.
Michael Cohen - you really should meet him;
For humor, no other can beat him;
Such as when he relates
The continuum states
To those that are "in the discretum."
The thermo exam was quite near - o,
And he thought everything was quite clear - o;
"Why study this junk
I'm sure I won't flunk,"
But they gave him an Absolute Zero.
A physicist ran in a race
That was held in reciprocal space.
His momentum that day (sigh!)
was h times kj;
Twas as bad as just running in place.
An expert on things astrophysical
Develop an countenance quizzical
When I told him one day,
"Oh sir, I can say
Our relationship's totally physical."
With all the abortions each morn
Now performed on young ladies forlorn,
You don't need lots of nerve
Or a close timelike curve
To die months before you were born.
If you care about animal rights,
Consider the horrible plights,
Of Schrodinger's cat,
And other's like that,
For many long days and long nights.
These cats suffer agonized fates -
And superposition of states;
Not alive or quite dead,
Something ghoulish instead,
Till a measurement ends their long waits.
Then a physicist looks with his eye,
Knowing seeing could make the cat die.
Puts the poor cat through hell,
Just to get his Nobel,
As her kittens sob, "Mommy, good-bye!"
Do you know "The Charge of the Light Brigade?"
The English teacher said.
"You want that in coulombs or esu?",
sand the physicist, scratching his head.
